Anxiously Awaiting

So, I know many of you have been following this blog and our infertility journey. I did this as a way of being open and sharing our journey with those who care most for us, without having to always talk about it. I did it to one day look back on and remember everything we went through to have a child of our own. I did it for myself as a way of expressing emotions and feelings when I felt nothing else could help me cope. I did it as a witnessing tool to those who may read this and pray they see God's light shining through me and my husband, even in such a difficult time of life. For now though... the blog is on hold.

As many of you know, 2 weeks ago tomorrow, we did the IUI procedure. I was instructed by my doctor to wait 2 weeks to take a home pregnancy test. It hasn't really been that long of a wait, considering I've been waiting 17 months now... until today really. It hit me-- this could be it. It may not be. Who knows--- only God. So, tomorrow I will take a test. Good news or bad news I have decided to wait to post any news until the beginning of the year. My "bad news" would be so dis-heartening and disappointing, but I have come to the realization that in due time, Eric and I will have a baby and begin to expand our family. God's plan is so much more perfect than ours. (I have seen this multiple times throughout my life) We must continue to just be obedient and faithful to Him and His Word.
So... for now- I'll make you wait. Stay tuned to our journey in 2013 and for "hopeful progress" as we continue to walk this path...
Thank you all for your love, support, care, concern, prayers and hugs! They mean so much!

Gobble, Gobble

This Thanksgiving was spent quickly with each of our families. I worked through Wednesday, so we made to my parents Thursday afternoon for an early lunch. We ha a mini photoshoot in Dad's beautiful fall backyard and then came in for some desserts before we headed to MO town for the night.
We traveled to Eric's parents early that evening to spend some time with them and his brother. We didn't really have a sit down dinner because they had eaten some before we got there. So later on in the night when we got hungry again, we nibbled on some pieces of deep fried turkey, courtesy of Ryan.
We got to sleep in (finally!) then got ready to head about an hour away to Poplar Bluff, Mo to see his grandmother in the nursing home. We saw her and did just a tiny bit of shopping, but nothing too serious! ;)
Then we packed up and headed home because Eric works Saturday. And I'm anxiously ready to get my tree up!!!

Here are a few of our pics from thanksgiving with my family and then a sweet one of Eric and his grandmother.

Answered Prayer

Just wanted to share a huge blessing that I received...

Back on Wednesday, the day we did IUI, I had an un-expectant answered prayer. I know this was totally from God and of God. I had been praying for quite some time for this "thing" (I'll call it)--- and late that evening, Bam! It was answered.
I don't know if this was God's reason to us not being able to get pregnant and now maybe that things are "falling into place" more (so to say), maybe the time is near. I don't know. I do know however, that my God is a Sovereign God, a Holy God, faithful to answer prayers (in due time, sometimes) and a giving, loving and protective God. And I will continue to be prayerful and know that HE is in control of it all!

It is done

Today has now come and gone. This is all happening so much quicker than I imagined. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled that it is. It's just been a rollercoaster. Constant doctor phone calls, medicines on this day, shots on this day at this time and appointments on this day... I just wish everything wasn't so scheduled. But...

We got to the doctor's office a little before 1pm today- Eric had to give his sperm and then we had to wait about an hour for them to clean it. (I know that sounds crazy, but this is how they can tell what percentage is motile and how many were produced. Luckily, my husband passed! :) And whenever he reads this, he is probably going to stroke for me posting about it! Ha- but that's part of the whole experience. We left, went and had lunch and came back an hour later. We then were called back to the room where the nurse explained everything she would do. I got up on the cold, uncomfortable table and I was so scared and emotional. The procedure itself was basically like a pap smear- she found my cervix, then inserted a small catheter with the sperm and injected. Eric stood at my head the whole time and was very supportive and encouraging during and thereafter as well. We had to wait ahout 20 minutes afterwards, where she tilted my pelvis up some. I got dressed and walked out.
Our doc called us on the way home just to tell us good luck. We didn't see him in the office and so he called to say that and that he wished us the best with this (which says A LOT for a doctor). He said he really thinks this is going to work for us because of how the sperm count came back and the how high the rates are for people like us. He said he was really hoping he wouldn't have to see us back again--- I am really hoping so too!
Now we wait... how perfect would a Christmas pregnancy be? Still not getting my hopes up by any means-- I've had people tell me how long this wait would be- but really, it's no different than any other month. I have been disappointed month after month for more than a year... this is no different, UNTIL I get that positive test, which I am SO praying for.
Thank you all for your support, encouragement and prayers through all of this. It means so much!

Less than 24 Hours

Today I was scheduled to go in for my ultrasound this morning at 8am. It was quick- not so painless, but that's ok. I know Baby Shirkey will be worth the pain (mentally, physically and emotionally), discomfort and waiting as we go through this journey. The USG girl was very sweet- I liked her a lot. As she was scanning me, we got to talking about my job and her job and how they relate so well. She did a good job at keeping my mind off the pressure I was feeling and the nervousness I had. I told her this was our first time at doing this and how I wasn't sure about everything that would be done and how we would move forward. She explained everything well and later stated that everything "looked beautiful" on the inside. She said I had some good follicles present in both ovaries, which was reassuring.
So, tomorrow is the BIG day! I am so nervous. My stomach has been un-easy all day- I think because of what's to come- the knowing and the unknowing... I constantly remind myself how God is the ultimate giver of life. Not only physically, as in a new baby, but spiritually as well- as in the giver of eternal life. And I am EVER SO GRATEFUL for this amazing, wonderful gift. I was just reminded this week of the story of Jacob and Rachel in the Bible. Genesis 30:1 says: 'When Rachel saw she was not bearing Jacob any children, she became jealous of her sister (Leah). So she said to Jacob, "Give me children, or I'll die!" ' As my Sunday School class was studying our lesson, our teacher went over this small part of scripture. He stated that as he was preparing for our lesson that day, he couldn't help but think of the struggle our class is having with infertility. As he said all that, he then read off a scripture that he wanted us all to cling to in difficult times- whether it be infertility, marital problems, financial issues, etc... he read aloud John 6:35, which says: 'Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty." My teacher reminded us that no matter what we are facing, JESUS is ALL sustaining! He will never fail us; He is more than we will EVER need- no matter what life throws our way!
I was also doing some Bible reading today and came across this verse which I find uplifting during this time in my life. Mark 11:24, Jesus says: "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and will be yours."
I found this encouraging, especially knowing what this week could possibly hold for Eric and I. I am holding this scripture close to heart. Regardless of how this may all turn out, I MUST remember, Jesus is the giver, He is the sustainer. I must turn to Him.
We are scheduled for 12:45 tomorrow. I had to give myself an injection this afternoon, 24 hours away from the time we will inseminate. This is to assist in helping the follicles mature and trigger the release of mature eggs. Of course, no one was here to do it for me (and Eric refused to stick me with a needle), so I had to myself. As the saying goes- 'there is a first time for everything.'  :) The shot itself was painless. I am feeling now where I stuck the needle, but overall, it was nothing!

Picture of my shot (again, I want this for memories) :)

Please say big prayers tomorrow! We are very, very excited, but very, very nervous and anxious at the same time! How cool would it be to find out at the holidays we are finally pregnant and having a baby!? Fingers crossed! The procedure will be done and then we will wait...once again.

Trying Something New

Well, today began round 2 of fertility treatment. Today is day 3. I began taking medication again today- this time, just another med. This drug is called Letrazole or (Femara). It's just a different fertility drug that Dr. B wanted to try on me. He called me last week to inform me that my progesterone level that we had drew a couple of weeks ago was normal, yet again, showing I had ovulated. He asked me what we were thinking as far as our treatment coming up. I told him that we had begun discussing the IUI possibiltiy and we may just want to try and go forward with it. So... when I started my cycle Friday, I called the nurse and we got everything set up. I started the medication today- I will take it the same as I did the Clomid (on days 3-7). Then I will go in for an ultrasound on Tuesday 11/13. They will look and see if my egg is where it needs to be basically. They will also give me a shot of a medicine called Ovidrel. This drug helps in releasing the mature egg, to assist in getting pregnant. The following day, I will go back to the office with Eric and the IUI procedure will be done.
I am really anxious about it all. Quite nervous... lots of emotions and questions... what if  this is the month?! Will I be able to keep this pregnancy? What if it's not? What will we do next? Will we try another procedure or just try on our own? Will there be anything else medicine and technology can do for us besides IVF? There are so many questions. Your prayers are appreciated as the coming weeks are going to be draining in more ways than one. I have a lot on my mind and I try my best to stay focused on what's important. I know that God has His hand in this. I know He is going to bless us when He sees fit. My constant prayer is that we will remain in His Word and obedient to Him through all of this. I know He is preparing us for something grand, that we can't even fathom now. I know this is just another one of life's trials and I am in the valley, but will soon be on the mountaintop again and I CAN'T WAIT! :)

A Post from a Friend

A friend of mine had posted this on her Facebook a couple of days ago...it was so real to me. I couldn't help but re-post here on my blog- she said it all so well... I have so many mixed feelings these days and as she states; it is quite difficult coming out publicly with our fertility struggle, so I just wanted to post this (also where I can come back one day and read this again to see what God has done for us and our family.)

There are so many people out there who don't even think of the pain and anguish that comes with infertility and wanting to conceive. Most people think you fall in love, you get married, you begin your family and live happily ever after. However, for so many couples (more than most people think), this is not the case. It's not that simple. I read friends posts and listen quietly as strangers, friends and acquaintances complain of their pregnancy discomforts and the agonizing cries of their newborns while wanting rest- I however, would give anything in the world to experience those discomforts, pains and the crying of a newborn baby...

 

And now to my friends post- this is how I WILL make it through this! Thanks friend! :)

 

 

I think it's important that everyone knows that it isn't easy being public with my fertility problems... I put updates on here because we have many friends and family around the country that want to know what's going on in our journey. And I also think it's important that everyone knows that without trusting God I wouldn't even know how to deal with all of this. I trust that God has us on this journey for a reason... I trust that this is the path He is leading us down. I trust that he is holding our first child in His arms in heaven awaiting our arrival. I trust that on days like today where I'm so depressed all I want to do is lay in bed and cry over how inadequate I feel as a woman, that He gives me strength to go on with my daily life/work and do everything I need to do. I trust that He gives me strength to stay calm when people give unwanted ideas that they see as harmless advice. I trust that God will let us be parents one day. I THANK God everyday that my husband loves me whether I can give him children or not. I trust that God gives doctors the means to help people like me whose bodies don't function properly. I trust that the hours and hours that I spend praying about this are heard. I trust that God knows the desires of our hearts and will fulfill His promises in his time. And most of all... I trust that He will help give us peace and understanding with every passing disappointing month. Without this trust... without my faith in God, I have nothing. And I wouldn't be able to take the heart wrenching disappointment that comes with pregnancy loss and infertility.