So many emotions...

My mind and heart are so anxious right now. We have so much going on in life. And with all that's going on, I've been reminding myself of the scripture that my pastor just mentioned Sunday morning as we are going through a series on prayer. 

~Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  

~Philippians 4:6-7

Just this past weekend, Eric's dad went down hill quick! What we thought to be just dehydration was way more. We've since found out his cancer has spread through the body, to different areas and that he has several small brain bleeds in his brain, luckily medication is controlling it along with the pressure in the brain, so no emergency surgery was needed. Eric went up to Missouri this past weekend for 2 days, suddenly. All I could think about was 2 years ago when he left me at home with a newborn because his dad had a massive heart attack (and what I was thinking was-- I would've been left alone yet again with a newborn AND a 2 year old! had our second loss continued to full term.) I find myself wondering if that was the sole reason God took that baby. And now, his dad is home on hospice care, basically being comforted by pain meds until the Lord calls him home. I just know He knew I wouldn't have been able to handle life had that baby been born too. That's how I'm seeing the situation-- His reasoning and plans may be completely different than what's been revealed to me :) but that's how I see it now. 

Along with all of the news with his dad, we are also scheduled tomorrow morning for a consultation with our fertility doctor, whom we haven't seen in 3 years. I'm anxious to hear his thoughts and recommendations, however I'm scared too. I asked Eric if he wanted to re-schedule the appointment but he insisted we continue on for now. 

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we face death very soon but hopeful life in our future. 

And I'll keep you posted with any updates. 

Life as a L&D Nurse

Just a little pondering, a little writing and expressing myself... 

Have you ever wondered what Life as a Labor & Delivery Nurse while longing for a baby is like? 

It's been a week since I have been back to work after losing our third baby. Luckily, I had a week to cope some at the beach but have since been at work for three different shifts. 

All three days were difficult emotionally for me, each in a different way. Just some of the things I hear and see regularly...

My first shift was a Sunday evening (3-11). I had the cutest little couple. They were welcoming their second child that day, a little boy. Their first was a girl, who was only 14 months old. In those situations I always find myself questioning and having bad feelings for people who can become pregnant so easily and without thought hardly. The afternoon went great and she had the baby without difficulty. As we were starting her recovery period, the tech, doctor and patient were talking about when she found out she was pregnant. The words- "I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I called my husband and told him. We were both shocked. You just don't get as excited the second time around. Our daughter was only 5 months old." REALLY?!?! Does she know who her nurse is and what I just went through?! Of course she doesn't... Because I walk in the door everyday with a smile on my face like everything in my world is going wonderful and I'm so happy to be at work. But just for the record-- my eyes welled with tears as her words cut like a knife! I immediately had to clear it up though because it was time to be happy.

My second shift back was a regular 7-3 shift during the week. It was a crazy, busy day. I had been assigned two patients. One who was having her first baby and in labor and another who was only 18 weeks, trying to keep her baby inside. This was her third pregnancy, but she had no living children. I went in, as I do every morning for a morning assessment. It was time to listen for the heart tones of the baby. I tried for quite a few minutes and then had the charge nurse come in and try. Neither of us could get them. I had a bad feeling and wondered how I would react if it was what I thought it was. We ordered a ultrasound and sure enough, the baby was gone. My heart sank. I wasn't ready to be happy, joyous Laci, RN and I wasn't ready for the opposite either. I questioned myself again- 'Why am I doing this job?' It's draining me physically and emotionally and I'm not sure I can take it any longer. I called my charge nurse right away and began crying over the phone. She asked if I was ok and I quietly, trying to hide my tears said 'yes.' She knew immediately I wasn't and called me away for some time to re-collect myself. I found myself questioning how I could be so selfish when this lady (may I mention she was 43 years old) had just lost her third baby and said she would never try again. I prayed immediately for her. I went about the rest of my day but it was a hard and difficult day, to say the least. 

And my third shift back was another 7-3. It was busy and I was laboring two full term patients. One it was her first child and the other was having her third (her previous two were 3 and 1). Can you imagine my feelings, yet again? ;) (Sarcasm noted!) As I went about the day, I was in my patients room who was having her third. I was doing something and making small talk with her and her husband. She then proceeds to ask the question we get asked so often- "Do you have any kids?" "Yes, I have a little girl." "How old is she?" She asked. "She's two," I proceed. "Are you going to have anymore?" "Yes, one day, when the time is right." I can't explain how much I wanted to burst out and say how and what I was really feeling in that exact moment. Except, I put that mask back on and went about what I was doing. I exited her room and tears once again filled my eyes. Why is this job so hard?! Ugh! 

Every single shift for an entire week I cried at one point for some reason. And I still find myself asking so many questions... Then I am reminded that this is my calling and I'm doing this job for a reason. I realize that in time, we too, will be made a complete family, however He sees fit. And in the meantime, I'm praying for patience, strength and perseverance to go day to day. 

Here we are... Again.

It's October 11. What would have been our second angel baby's birthday (or due date.) Instead of a baby today, we are headed to the beach for a much needed time away. I have been dreading this time for quite some time... (Well, since we lost our baby back in March.) Not only because we should have a baby in our arms but because so many others get to and we don't. I know that sounds so incredibly selfish, and it is. But it's my human nature. I had gotten use to the fact for a while now knowing that the Lord would bless us again and that His will and plans for our lives would be made known in His time. And he did... 

He blessed us with another baby. We were completely shocked and excited but I was a nervous wreck. It was very hard for me to be excited and have the "baby fever/anticipation" because of our two previous losses, one just being 6 months prior. We found out right at 4 weeks. We told our parents and just 2 or 3 friends. I had begun taking progesterone once again to help maintain the pregnancy in the beginning. And was anxiously awaiting our doctor visit at 8 weeks. Things seemed to be going well and I felt a little more tired than normal. I knew most pregnancy symptoms wouldn't hit until a bit later on...except--this past Thursday I felt a little crampy, like menstrual cramps. I told Eric and he told me it was probably nothing and to try not to worry. I told him I'd  do my best but it was difficult knowing what I know and going through what we'd been through before. I went through my day like normal and tried to stay positive. I went to bed around 11 and had to wake up early for a 4 hour shift on Friday. I got up about 5:30 and went to the bathroom. I didn't think too much because I wasn't hurting and didn't see anything on my panties, but then I saw it on my toilet paper... Blood (sorry, may be TMI). I was crushed. I instantly was a hysterical mess. I didn't wake Eric because I knew he'd be up soon. I went ahead and called into work because no matter if it's what I thought it was or not, I wouldn't be going anyway. I went and laid on the couch and cried and cried. I prayed and pleaded to the Lord to let everything please be ok with my baby. I finally fell back asleep just in time that Eric woke up. He came in and asked what I was doing at home. I told him I was bleeding. He instantly fell on his knees and laid his head on me. We just sat there in complete silence for what seemed like a long time. I then started crying uncontrollably asking "why?" and "I just don't understand." I then text my doctor to see what I needed to do. At first we were going to do an ultrasound but then decided to just draw some blood to see what the Beta Hcg (pregnancy blood level) was. My sister came over in the morning to watch C so we could go. I asked to talked to my doctor after blood work and thankfully she was willing and available. She was very sincere and said not to worry just yet and to wait the blood work return later that day... But, I knew... This was just a confirmation. We got home and I was bleeding and cramping even more and just felt very tired and weak. Later in the afternoon, my doctor got in touch with me and let me know the blood work came back and was definitely low and that she was so sorry. Any form of hope I had was definitely crushed. Luckily the rest of the day I got to love and snuggle on my sweet girl (whom I now know is a true miracle, in every sense, from God) and my sweet little nephew while having my sweet hubby and sister there to keep me company and mind off things. Knowing we were getting ready to leave for vacation, I was hesitant. I wanted to go to get away and help keep me busy but a part of me felt guilty knowing that our last loss was having a "birthday" and that we had just miscarried for a third time. I wanted to just mope on the couch and be lifeless. I was then reminded of David's story in the bible (psalm 40). Waiting wasn't easy for David but he reaped the benefits. A lot of times blessings can not be received unless we go through certain trials. And until those blessings come, I'm clinging to Psalm 34:18~The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. In the meantime, I'm going to admit I need His help and thank him for being by my side through the trials and valleys. 

Sorry for the lengthy post... I'm not walking around shouting publicly that this has happened again, but I'm not choosing to be silent either. Support and love through all of this is what helps me as well as writing. Others may be different. In the meantime, we ask and covet your prayers for us as we travel this journey the Lord has placed us on. 

And for the next 5 or 6 days-- we are going to enjoy the sun and sand between our toes! :) 

Why?

I was really hoping I wouldn't want have to go through another valley again... I know God puts things in our lives to test our faith and trust in Him, for us to rely fully on Him and to use our life experiences to bring honor and glory to Him, ultimately. 

Sometimes, I wonder why me? Why us? Why is this happening again? I know "there's a reason for everything," and really- there is... It's just so hard to understand why at the time. 

I am beginning to see reasons why maybe we lost our last precious baby. We just learned a month or so ago that Eric's dad has cancer. We know it's in the lungs and we know it's in the advanced stages. We are still waiting on several tests and results to determine the treatment course. We were told he probably had less than a year to live. But we also know that not even the best physicians know when someone will die. We have seen him begin to go down hill and not feeling well but then there are other days he has good days. We aren't sure of the future, but we know He does and we must trust Him. Our little baby would be due in just about a month. I'm completely DREADING that day, but thankfully, we will have just gotten to the beach for a much needed week away. I know that will help keep our minds off the saddness and "what ifs." 

I can't help but think what the next few months may hold... And I also can't imagine going through such difficult times with a newborn (AGAIN!) When Collins was born, we had a lot happen in just a few weeks time span. It was truly one of the hardest times in my life. But with His grace, love and mercy, He allowed us to persevere day to day and pulled us out of the pit we fell in so quickly. 

So, with several close friends delivering in the next month to two months ( their second- just like I should have), while being around 3 pregnant girls at a two year olds birthday and hearing all that "talk" and while seeing all the pregnancy announcements (may I just mention, there were 3 in one day and probably 8 within the last month I've seen), I MUST remind myself- His plan far exceeds mine. It's His will and not mine. Geez, it's so hard though! It's a constant struggle in my mind and heart. One day, hopefully sooner than later, we will see His plan for our lives and family revealed. In the meantime, I ask for support, love and prayer for the next few months, as I know they are going to be difficult, in more ways than one. And if you find yourself in a valley, continue to press forward and trust in Him to guide your footsteps. 

It's just plain hard.

It's just plain hard. That's all there is to say. This post is deep down, real.

Today I was in the car with one of my best friends, driving and talking. We got to talking about doctors appointments, which led to us talking about her baby growing inside her belly. The words "so, are you feeling the baby move around now?" came out of my mouth. I was curious and I do care. She grinningly nodded her head yes. Luckily I had sunglasses on to hide my instant tear-filled eyes. I felt an immediate lump in my throat and a brief moment of silence. We quickly changed the subject and I was glad. She knows how difficult this is for me because I've told her I knew it would be, and she was understanding of that.
We were due just 2 weeks apart. I lost my baby. My second lost baby. I try so hard to have a happy heart, but I am human. Those feelings that I tell myself aren't allowed in my head and heart still happen. Sometimes I feel as if I'm putting on a mask. That's not fair to my friend or her baby. It's so hard to understand. I just don't get it... It's just plain hard.


A link to an article I read tonight... 11 ways to support your infertile friends
Great read!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/heather-huhman/11-ways-to-support-your-infertile-friends-during-world-infertility-awareness-month-and-always_b_7479568.html?utm_hp_ref=tw

Life seems to be so crazy...

(I started writing this about a week ago, so forgive me as my days/weeks are a little off...)

Things can't seem to slow down...

And I'm so ready for them to. 

Between my own doctor visits/appointments lately and my dad being in the hospital, I'm over it! 

Yes, my daddy is back in the hospital. We are at the 2 week mark now. He has made some progression but not as much as we'd hoped for by this time. He's doing a little better each day but he's still a very sick man. It kills me to see him this way! It hurts my heart to see my mom hurt so much and strive daily to be the best wife, mother, sister, friend, worker she can be. She is one amazing woman and I praise her. We know God has our days planned before us (Psalms 139:16) and we know his plans are far better than ours (Jeremiah 29:11) but we still want to try and make things best for us. Sometimes our best is not His best and we learn that, eventually... Knowing that, we put our full faith and trust in God and are certain He holds us in His hand.

(Update to today... Dad is doing much better. He was in the hospital about 20 days. He just got transferred out to an inpatient rehab where he will begin full physical rehab. These will be trying days for him. So please continue to pray for him. We are very thankful he has made it this far. All praise goes to God! Pray that when he comes home he will take care of his body as he should and follow the doctors orders :) )

 We went back to the doctor a little over a week ago. She said the genetic testing from my D and C came back inconclusive. Which is a good thing, overall. I told her that I had begun bleeding some more but she told me to just watch it and call back if it got worse. Well, it did. Go figure. So I had to go back in the following week for another ultrasound. Talk about re-living a nightmare... Laying on the table, staring at the ceiling and looking at the screen where there was once a baby and now there no longer was... My insides were churning and my heart was racing as I was trying to hold the tears back. Why? I don't know. If I've learned anything in all I've been through the past 7 or so years of life, one thing is to be open and honest. And let your feelings known. Don't bottle them inside. Talk with others. Write them out. Read scripture and find truth and promises in God's Word. It definitely helps! Moving on though... The same day we met with the doctor to review test results and follow-up, we drew a whole panel of bloodwork to test for any clotting disorders I could have since there have been 2 losses. She asked if we were ready to begin trying to conceive again and if we wanted to go back to the fertility specialist. We both kind of looked at one another and knew we hadn't talked much about it since our loss; but figured we'd try on our own for a little while again, in hopes we could become pregnant again and stay pregnant! We don't think we will try forever on our own just because 1. we are ready for another child and 2. Eric says he's getting old :) So, we wait...

I know some people may look at me and think I am being selfish for pleading with God to have another child. After all, I have one, right?! Wrong! Secondary infertility can be just as hard on a woman and her husband as primary. Unfortunately, we've been through both now. Infertility is not only not being able to get pregnant, but keeping a pregnancy too. Both suck. Plain and simple. Do not get me wrong... I am so thankful and abundantly blessed that God gave us our sweet C. He could've chose not to. But again, I am so grateful that He allowed us the great privilege of becoming parents. I know and have seen first and second hand how many couples struggle with this terrible battle and we are so grateful that we don't have near as many "issues, diagnoses or problems," if you will, that so many do have. That still doesn't help my hurting heart though. I'm learning everyone has their own story... I'm learning to lean more on Him and I'm learning His ways are definitely ALWAYS better, even when I don't think so at the time.

If you could... just keep us in your prayers. We seem to have such heavy plates these days... I know the load will become lighter, at some point, but for now-- life seems to be so crazy.... 

Nearly a year later...

So, I give up... I just can't keep up!
Things are so busy. I know they could be a whole lot busier with even more children, crazier work hours/schedules, but we have our own crazy right now and that's enough to keep me away from my blog. Ha!
However, I am to the point that I want to blog again...
Another life-changing event just occurred and it helps me to write about it.
I know I am no writer, but this will do for me...

Our sweet little Collins turned 1 back in July.  We always knew we wanted another child and knowing what it took to get her here, we figured we'd begin trying to get pregnant as soon as I was done nursing, which was right at 1 year old. We began trying and trying and of course, what we knew to be so familiar... nothing was happening. We just assumed we would have to see the fertility doctor again and have assistance in getting pregnant again.
Come the first of the New Year (2015), we started up a new business with Advocare (contact me if you'd like to know more). We both did our first 24 day challenge and were feeling great! We cleansed our bodies and were eating lean and clean and doing the things we should. Just 2 days after we completed our challenge, I peed on a stick because I still hadn't started my period... which was VERY weird, and it was positive! X2! I immediately gave credit to cleansing my body. Ha! And mind you, this was Super Bowl Sunday and we were hosting a huge party at our house with all of our close friends. Keeping the secret was quite difficult but we did :)
The next day I called the doctor. I knew I wanted to get in quickly for blood draw and to begin progesterone (since I took it with Collins.) I had several different days that I went in for blood draw and then re-draw to be sure my levels were rising. I began the progesterone and felt good about everything. I made it past the 6 week mark, which is when we lost our first angel (before Collins.) I knew there was still a long few weeks ahead but I made it past that point, at least. My levels rose and then at one point, didn't rise as expected. I went back about a week later and it ended up rising significantly, so I was re-assured. My doctor wanted to see me for an ultrasound to see exactly how far along I was measuring. I ended up measuring about a week behind what I thought I was but that wasn't too unusual. However, the sac for the baby was measuring small. The baby had a strong heartbeat and she just wanted to follow-up again in a week. The next week, another ultrasound showed the baby had grown by 1.4 weeks with a good heartbeat, but still a smaller than normal sac for this time. She didn't seem overly concerned, but there wasn't anything else we could do but wait and see. So I was to come back  in a month. I was re-assured by this news... we had a baby that was growing and had a strong heartbeat. I was "feeling" pregnant... I was tired all the time, I was hungry and eating all the time and my sense of smell had definitely heightened! Ha!
We were still keeping things quiet until I was to go back for another ultrasound... until some girls at work busted me out one day, around 9 weeks. Being a Labor and Delivery nurse, it's hard not to talk pregnancy, babies and such! So we figured, since some of the girls at work knew, we'd go ahead and begin telling our close friends and if others ended up finding out, that would be ok.
10 weeks 5 days came. I was working a short, 4 hour shift that morning. I was assigned to do c-sections. I knew something wasn't quite right... I began to have a light colored discharge. Of course, I freaked out! I text my doctor right away. She said not to be overly concerned unless it was blood. So, for the 4 hours I was at work, I can't tell you how many times I used the bathroom. I was closely monitoring the color and indeed, it began changing colors slowly. I felt as if I had begun cramping slightly during my shift too. I just "knew" this wasn't good. As I drove home from work, I called the doctor office and made an appointment for the next day for another ultrasound. I then got home to my husband and sweet little girl. I lost it. I knew what was happening... My husband tried reassuring me and I tried to keep my mind focused on my sweet C and the hope that maybe it wasn't quite what I thought it was. A couple of hours passed and I continued monitoring that color... it had been changing very slowly. C went down for her nap and I rocked and held her in my arms praying to God that everything would be ok. I went back to the bathroom after laying her in her bed and there is was...red.   I was devastated. I once again- lost it. I called my husband immediately, not that he could do anything... but then talked with my doctor. She was off that day, but called and got me an appointment that afternoon to be seen. I was so thankful I not only work with her and know her outside of just a dr/patient relationship, but that I knew I could call her and she wouldn't mind. My sister ended up coming over to keep C and Eric came home early to drive me to the office. I knew what was happening, but the thoughts of hope were still flashing through my mind. I mean, after all, "I am a Labor and Delivery nurse, I do see these things all the time, right...?" But, I still knew what was happening deep down... They called me back soon after we checked in. We went back to the ultrasound room, where just 2-3 weeks earlier we had seen and heard our baby's heartbeat. I laid on the table and clenched Eric's hand with tears streaming down my face. I saw a baby, a bigger sac, but there was no heartbeat. I again, lost it. What I knew to be true was affirmed. I laid there helpless, hopeless, lifeless. The sweet doctor that squeezed me into her schedule that day came in a few moments later to talk to us. She told us that she figured everything would end up passing on its own since the baby had stopped growing and that in a week or so I should be doing better. And to follow up in a week with my doctor and another ultrasound. She was so compassionate and caring and I will always remember her for that. I then re-dressed and they escorted us out of the office through the back door, which was appreciated.
The ride home was silent... But I knew he cared. We got home and I got to love on my sweet C. No, that didn't fix things, but it sure helped at the time. My sister figured it out. And we began texting those who we had asked to pray just hours earlier. The responses I received were so heartfelt. Each one meant and still means so much.
The next few days passed and I seemed to be doing exceptionally well, I thought. A week and a day later, we went back to the doctor for another ultrasound to be sure everything was gone. It wasn't. I was still bleeding a lot, so I thought maybe it wouldn't be. When the ultrasound tech said "there's still products of conception"- I knew it... the term "incomplete abortion" was used aloud. I also knew what this meant... deep down though I was hoping I wasn't right. Then there we were, talking to the doctor about a D and C for Monday (this was Friday- as if this whole thing hadn't been drawn out long enough...I was now having to wait over the weekend, even longer.) I wasn't thrilled about this, but I knew it had to be done. I was scared. Yes, I've seen them done and knew what to expect, but this was me. I had never had "surgery" before or been put to sleep, other than a tonsillectomy in second grade. I was having to go to a different hospital than where I work, which was hard too, being out of my "comfort zone." The weekend came and went and I did what I could to keep myself busy until Monday morning.
Monday came and I was very nervous... I was so glad to have my Eric by my side though. We got to the hospital at 8am. I was taken to the pre-op area and began getting my IV, blood drawn and talking with the staff who would be caring for me. They gave me some medicine to relax me a little before going back... which was nice!  I remember being taken into the OR- I couldn't see much without me contacts or glasses. I remember they told me I would feel a little tinge in my IV where they would begin to put me to sleep- I felt the tinge and then fell asleep. It was nearly an hour and a half later that I remember waking up. Then they let Eric come back and of course he was cracking jokes to keep my spirits up :) I just love him! He said my doctor came out and talked to him and said everything went well. We were able to collect part of the specimen to send off for genetic testing. She wants to see me back in 2 weeks.
The staff at the "other hospital" were all wonderful and the experience, for what it was worth, couldn't have gone any better. Everyone was exceptionally nice and caring. Turned out, we "knew" 2 of the 3 nurses who took care of me through friends and church.
We left the hospital about 1pm and I finally got to eat! We came on home and ate our lunch and I went to sleep. My sweet hubby took awesome care of me and was very caring and understanding. He got my meds filled and came back with a bouquet of sweet flowers. My mom brought dinner over that night and several friends stopped by in the following days to check on me and drop off goodies and food :) I know it wasn't technically a "surgery" but I surely wasn't up to cooking anything physically or emotionally, so this gesture was definitely appreciated.
It has now been a week since my D and C and 2 1/2 since we lost our baby. I feel as if I am doing really well. I have definitely had my moments but have been reminded by God on numerous occasions that everything is going to be ok; that I am going to meet this sweet angel in heaven one day, along with his or her brother or sister. I hold tightly to that promise. And am grateful for that promise from my Lord. 1 Thes. 4:17 says: 'Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord.'

I guess that'll do it for this LONG post... but I wanted to update those who cared and were wondering.  I'll keep you updated as we continue this journey of becoming a family of 4... one day.