Just a little pondering, a little writing and expressing myself...
It's been a week since I have been back to work after losing our third baby. Luckily, I had a week to cope some at the beach but have since been at work for three different shifts.
All three days were difficult emotionally for me, each in a different way. Just some of the things I hear and see regularly...
My first shift was a Sunday evening (3-11). I had the cutest little couple. They were welcoming their second child that day, a little boy. Their first was a girl, who was only 14 months old. In those situations I always find myself questioning and having bad feelings for people who can become pregnant so easily and without thought hardly. The afternoon went great and she had the baby without difficulty. As we were starting her recovery period, the tech, doctor and patient were talking about when she found out she was pregnant. The words- "I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I called my husband and told him. We were both shocked. You just don't get as excited the second time around. Our daughter was only 5 months old." REALLY?!?! Does she know who her nurse is and what I just went through?! Of course she doesn't... Because I walk in the door everyday with a smile on my face like everything in my world is going wonderful and I'm so happy to be at work. But just for the record-- my eyes welled with tears as her words cut like a knife! I immediately had to clear it up though because it was time to be happy.
My second shift back was a regular 7-3 shift during the week. It was a crazy, busy day. I had been assigned two patients. One who was having her first baby and in labor and another who was only 18 weeks, trying to keep her baby inside. This was her third pregnancy, but she had no living children. I went in, as I do every morning for a morning assessment. It was time to listen for the heart tones of the baby. I tried for quite a few minutes and then had the charge nurse come in and try. Neither of us could get them. I had a bad feeling and wondered how I would react if it was what I thought it was. We ordered a ultrasound and sure enough, the baby was gone. My heart sank. I wasn't ready to be happy, joyous Laci, RN and I wasn't ready for the opposite either. I questioned myself again- 'Why am I doing this job?' It's draining me physically and emotionally and I'm not sure I can take it any longer. I called my charge nurse right away and began crying over the phone. She asked if I was ok and I quietly, trying to hide my tears said 'yes.' She knew immediately I wasn't and called me away for some time to re-collect myself. I found myself questioning how I could be so selfish when this lady (may I mention she was 43 years old) had just lost her third baby and said she would never try again. I prayed immediately for her. I went about the rest of my day but it was a hard and difficult day, to say the least.
And my third shift back was another 7-3. It was busy and I was laboring two full term patients. One it was her first child and the other was having her third (her previous two were 3 and 1). Can you imagine my feelings, yet again? ;) (Sarcasm noted!) As I went about the day, I was in my patients room who was having her third. I was doing something and making small talk with her and her husband. She then proceeds to ask the question we get asked so often- "Do you have any kids?" "Yes, I have a little girl." "How old is she?" She asked. "She's two," I proceed. "Are you going to have anymore?" "Yes, one day, when the time is right." I can't explain how much I wanted to burst out and say how and what I was really feeling in that exact moment. Except, I put that mask back on and went about what I was doing. I exited her room and tears once again filled my eyes. Why is this job so hard?! Ugh!
Every single shift for an entire week I cried at one point for some reason. And I still find myself asking so many questions... Then I am reminded that this is my calling and I'm doing this job for a reason. I realize that in time, we too, will be made a complete family, however He sees fit. And in the meantime, I'm praying for patience, strength and perseverance to go day to day.
No comments:
Post a Comment