Life as a L&D Nurse

Just a little pondering, a little writing and expressing myself... 

Have you ever wondered what Life as a Labor & Delivery Nurse while longing for a baby is like? 

It's been a week since I have been back to work after losing our third baby. Luckily, I had a week to cope some at the beach but have since been at work for three different shifts. 

All three days were difficult emotionally for me, each in a different way. Just some of the things I hear and see regularly...

My first shift was a Sunday evening (3-11). I had the cutest little couple. They were welcoming their second child that day, a little boy. Their first was a girl, who was only 14 months old. In those situations I always find myself questioning and having bad feelings for people who can become pregnant so easily and without thought hardly. The afternoon went great and she had the baby without difficulty. As we were starting her recovery period, the tech, doctor and patient were talking about when she found out she was pregnant. The words- "I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I called my husband and told him. We were both shocked. You just don't get as excited the second time around. Our daughter was only 5 months old." REALLY?!?! Does she know who her nurse is and what I just went through?! Of course she doesn't... Because I walk in the door everyday with a smile on my face like everything in my world is going wonderful and I'm so happy to be at work. But just for the record-- my eyes welled with tears as her words cut like a knife! I immediately had to clear it up though because it was time to be happy.

My second shift back was a regular 7-3 shift during the week. It was a crazy, busy day. I had been assigned two patients. One who was having her first baby and in labor and another who was only 18 weeks, trying to keep her baby inside. This was her third pregnancy, but she had no living children. I went in, as I do every morning for a morning assessment. It was time to listen for the heart tones of the baby. I tried for quite a few minutes and then had the charge nurse come in and try. Neither of us could get them. I had a bad feeling and wondered how I would react if it was what I thought it was. We ordered a ultrasound and sure enough, the baby was gone. My heart sank. I wasn't ready to be happy, joyous Laci, RN and I wasn't ready for the opposite either. I questioned myself again- 'Why am I doing this job?' It's draining me physically and emotionally and I'm not sure I can take it any longer. I called my charge nurse right away and began crying over the phone. She asked if I was ok and I quietly, trying to hide my tears said 'yes.' She knew immediately I wasn't and called me away for some time to re-collect myself. I found myself questioning how I could be so selfish when this lady (may I mention she was 43 years old) had just lost her third baby and said she would never try again. I prayed immediately for her. I went about the rest of my day but it was a hard and difficult day, to say the least. 

And my third shift back was another 7-3. It was busy and I was laboring two full term patients. One it was her first child and the other was having her third (her previous two were 3 and 1). Can you imagine my feelings, yet again? ;) (Sarcasm noted!) As I went about the day, I was in my patients room who was having her third. I was doing something and making small talk with her and her husband. She then proceeds to ask the question we get asked so often- "Do you have any kids?" "Yes, I have a little girl." "How old is she?" She asked. "She's two," I proceed. "Are you going to have anymore?" "Yes, one day, when the time is right." I can't explain how much I wanted to burst out and say how and what I was really feeling in that exact moment. Except, I put that mask back on and went about what I was doing. I exited her room and tears once again filled my eyes. Why is this job so hard?! Ugh! 

Every single shift for an entire week I cried at one point for some reason. And I still find myself asking so many questions... Then I am reminded that this is my calling and I'm doing this job for a reason. I realize that in time, we too, will be made a complete family, however He sees fit. And in the meantime, I'm praying for patience, strength and perseverance to go day to day. 

Here we are... Again.

It's October 11. What would have been our second angel baby's birthday (or due date.) Instead of a baby today, we are headed to the beach for a much needed time away. I have been dreading this time for quite some time... (Well, since we lost our baby back in March.) Not only because we should have a baby in our arms but because so many others get to and we don't. I know that sounds so incredibly selfish, and it is. But it's my human nature. I had gotten use to the fact for a while now knowing that the Lord would bless us again and that His will and plans for our lives would be made known in His time. And he did... 

He blessed us with another baby. We were completely shocked and excited but I was a nervous wreck. It was very hard for me to be excited and have the "baby fever/anticipation" because of our two previous losses, one just being 6 months prior. We found out right at 4 weeks. We told our parents and just 2 or 3 friends. I had begun taking progesterone once again to help maintain the pregnancy in the beginning. And was anxiously awaiting our doctor visit at 8 weeks. Things seemed to be going well and I felt a little more tired than normal. I knew most pregnancy symptoms wouldn't hit until a bit later on...except--this past Thursday I felt a little crampy, like menstrual cramps. I told Eric and he told me it was probably nothing and to try not to worry. I told him I'd  do my best but it was difficult knowing what I know and going through what we'd been through before. I went through my day like normal and tried to stay positive. I went to bed around 11 and had to wake up early for a 4 hour shift on Friday. I got up about 5:30 and went to the bathroom. I didn't think too much because I wasn't hurting and didn't see anything on my panties, but then I saw it on my toilet paper... Blood (sorry, may be TMI). I was crushed. I instantly was a hysterical mess. I didn't wake Eric because I knew he'd be up soon. I went ahead and called into work because no matter if it's what I thought it was or not, I wouldn't be going anyway. I went and laid on the couch and cried and cried. I prayed and pleaded to the Lord to let everything please be ok with my baby. I finally fell back asleep just in time that Eric woke up. He came in and asked what I was doing at home. I told him I was bleeding. He instantly fell on his knees and laid his head on me. We just sat there in complete silence for what seemed like a long time. I then started crying uncontrollably asking "why?" and "I just don't understand." I then text my doctor to see what I needed to do. At first we were going to do an ultrasound but then decided to just draw some blood to see what the Beta Hcg (pregnancy blood level) was. My sister came over in the morning to watch C so we could go. I asked to talked to my doctor after blood work and thankfully she was willing and available. She was very sincere and said not to worry just yet and to wait the blood work return later that day... But, I knew... This was just a confirmation. We got home and I was bleeding and cramping even more and just felt very tired and weak. Later in the afternoon, my doctor got in touch with me and let me know the blood work came back and was definitely low and that she was so sorry. Any form of hope I had was definitely crushed. Luckily the rest of the day I got to love and snuggle on my sweet girl (whom I now know is a true miracle, in every sense, from God) and my sweet little nephew while having my sweet hubby and sister there to keep me company and mind off things. Knowing we were getting ready to leave for vacation, I was hesitant. I wanted to go to get away and help keep me busy but a part of me felt guilty knowing that our last loss was having a "birthday" and that we had just miscarried for a third time. I wanted to just mope on the couch and be lifeless. I was then reminded of David's story in the bible (psalm 40). Waiting wasn't easy for David but he reaped the benefits. A lot of times blessings can not be received unless we go through certain trials. And until those blessings come, I'm clinging to Psalm 34:18~The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. In the meantime, I'm going to admit I need His help and thank him for being by my side through the trials and valleys. 

Sorry for the lengthy post... I'm not walking around shouting publicly that this has happened again, but I'm not choosing to be silent either. Support and love through all of this is what helps me as well as writing. Others may be different. In the meantime, we ask and covet your prayers for us as we travel this journey the Lord has placed us on. 

And for the next 5 or 6 days-- we are going to enjoy the sun and sand between our toes! :)