A Post from a Friend

A friend of mine had posted this on her Facebook a couple of days ago...it was so real to me. I couldn't help but re-post here on my blog- she said it all so well... I have so many mixed feelings these days and as she states; it is quite difficult coming out publicly with our fertility struggle, so I just wanted to post this (also where I can come back one day and read this again to see what God has done for us and our family.)

There are so many people out there who don't even think of the pain and anguish that comes with infertility and wanting to conceive. Most people think you fall in love, you get married, you begin your family and live happily ever after. However, for so many couples (more than most people think), this is not the case. It's not that simple. I read friends posts and listen quietly as strangers, friends and acquaintances complain of their pregnancy discomforts and the agonizing cries of their newborns while wanting rest- I however, would give anything in the world to experience those discomforts, pains and the crying of a newborn baby...

 

And now to my friends post- this is how I WILL make it through this! Thanks friend! :)

 

 

I think it's important that everyone knows that it isn't easy being public with my fertility problems... I put updates on here because we have many friends and family around the country that want to know what's going on in our journey. And I also think it's important that everyone knows that without trusting God I wouldn't even know how to deal with all of this. I trust that God has us on this journey for a reason... I trust that this is the path He is leading us down. I trust that he is holding our first child in His arms in heaven awaiting our arrival. I trust that on days like today where I'm so depressed all I want to do is lay in bed and cry over how inadequate I feel as a woman, that He gives me strength to go on with my daily life/work and do everything I need to do. I trust that He gives me strength to stay calm when people give unwanted ideas that they see as harmless advice. I trust that God will let us be parents one day. I THANK God everyday that my husband loves me whether I can give him children or not. I trust that God gives doctors the means to help people like me whose bodies don't function properly. I trust that the hours and hours that I spend praying about this are heard. I trust that God knows the desires of our hearts and will fulfill His promises in his time. And most of all... I trust that He will help give us peace and understanding with every passing disappointing month. Without this trust... without my faith in God, I have nothing. And I wouldn't be able to take the heart wrenching disappointment that comes with pregnancy loss and infertility.

A Sweet Happy Gift from a Sweet Friend

Today was the day I miscarried my sweet little baby just a year ago. I know I wasn't far along at all, but as I've said, I had a connection and had a tee-tiny baby, even for just a short period of time. It seems just like yesterday. I hate that it hasn't happened again, but as I've also said- I know God has a plan and I know it's all going to be so much more meaningful and I will appreciate my baby so much more when my time does come...
I had a good friend leave this sweet card and meaningful coffee mug on my front porch for me today. I will always remember her and this day while drinking my coffee from it. It meant so much considering it was HER birthday today and the day she found out the sex of her own baby. I know she has had a very exciting day but to take the time out of her special day to think of me on this day, means more than she knows! I'm so thankful for her friendship!

HaPpY FaLL Y'aLL

I absolutely LOVE this time of year, granted it would be nice if it cooled off a little more, considering its almost the end of October! But I'm enjoying the beautiful weather while I can!

A Little Happy for Me :)

Well, today we did something I've been wanting to do for like 6 years or something... We bought me a 2012 white Tahoe! What I have always wanted! We said we would try to keep my jeep running as long as we could until we either had a baby or it began giving us problems. Well, the first option hasn't come yet, but the second did. We have put some money into it the last few months and it was still needing some work, so we decided to just go and "look." Of course, my husband spoils me completely rotten and just couldn't say no once we took a test drive :)
We actually got to take it home for the night last night while the dealership kept my car. We returned this morning and if was downhill at that point! I am so blessed and thankful for this.
It was a little bittersweet saying good-bye to my jeepy jeep, but I was also very excited! I have had my jeep for 7 years... It was my first big purchase that I paid for myself. I know whoever buys it next will have a good car in their hands!
Now- we are ready to fill this baby up with some babies! ;)

Last time to sit in the jeep :(

Waving bye-bye jeepy!

Just a year ago

Wow- its hard to believe that at this time last year, I was announcing to my husband we were going to be a mommy and daddy! I surprised him so good! Just like I had always imagined. I remember it all so vividly. We were so excited and couldn't even sleep! We just kept talking about how things would be and how we would tell our families. Our excitement didn't last long- our little baby was taken so soon afterwards.
I know some people may say, "well she wasn't even that far along..."- well I've got news for them. That was our baby, it was a baby even for just a short time. I felt a connection immediately to my sweet baby only for that connection to be lost so quickly. Eric did what he could to calm me and support and encourage me through the days and weeks that came. People don't understand the slightest bit until they've lived it personally.
I have such a deep desire to be a Mommy to a sweet, innocent child. I truly feel like it is part of my calling in life as a woman. I know God has called me to have a child (somehow) ;)
I know God has a plan for me- whether it's my own biological child or not- I know one day I will get the honor and privilege of holding my sweet baby and I know it will be so much more meaningful. I know I will appreciate the wait, as difficult as it is now. I will be ever so grateful and I know that unborn child will be more of a blessing then than we can imagine now.
I'm still very saddened thinking of what could have been and the baby we should have in our home now. However, I'm joyful in the fact that God is still writing my story and I know the end is going to be amazing!

The charm in the center of my bracelet I bought yesterday mostly for the remembrance of my baby. But also for National Pregnancy Loss and Infant Awareness Day that was yesterday. I thought what more of a perfect time than now!

I will never forget...

Moving right along...

Well, today was an anticipated day that has now come and gone quickly. Yet another day I have been waiting for... I went in for my HSG test today. I was scheduled for 1:00. I had to work this morning,  but got someone to work the second half of my shift, thankfully. I went over to the radiology department in the hospital where I work and got all checked in... that was a little strange being on the other side- signing consents and admission papers, seeing my name on patient labeled stickers. Ha!
I went in the room and the radiology tech was super nice! She explained everything to me and told me what I could expect. I got dressed and they started the procedure. It was very quick, but it wasn't very comfortable. It made me feel very "crampy" like. Once it was over the radiologist went over the images with me and told me everything appeared normal and my fallopian tubes seemed open. He told me they would send a copy of the results to my doctor (Dr. M) but I also was told to ask for a hard copy of a disc to give to my fertility doc (Dr. B). I was out the door very soon after. I have had some pretty bad cramps throughout the day, but otherwise have felt fine. I am so relieved  that everything looked normal and there appeared to be no blockages of any kind.
Now... just high hopes that with this and clomid treatment, something may happen this month! :)

Round 1

Well today begins round 1 of clomid treatment. I started taking the medication today and will continue through Thursday (which are days 3-7 of the cycle). Then I will test the LH in my urine beginning on day 10. (this is ovulation testing). Once I get a positive LH surge I will go into Dr. B's office for an ultrasound. This will help monitor the developing follicle in the ovary leading up to ovulation. We will then just have to wait and see next cycle what happens... With fingers crossed! ;)
My HSG is scheduled for this Friday afternoon. I am pretty excited, but nervous too, of course. Hopefully everything will turn out fine and be "opened up."
I will keep you updated with our progress.

Fertility Appointment

Well... today was the day I have been waiting for for quite some time! It finally got here! I went this morning at 10am for my first fertility doctor's appointment. Unfortunately, I had to go alone. Eric was unable to come because of work. (We have had a lot going on in our lives the last few weeks and he has had to miss work for a couple of days and so he wasn't able to miss today, which was fine). Today's appointment was more of a consultation, but we did get the ball rolling- FINALLY! I LOVED the new doctor in the group (we will call him Dr. B) He was very personal and seemed to care a lot. First things first- he explained the whole female reproductive system and how an egg is fertilized with a sperm. He assumed I knew all this, being a L&D nurse, but a "re-fresher" is always good. :) He went over with me why I may have mis-carried last pregnancy, but still we will never know. Since I am still so "normal" at this point, and I am an ovulating woman, he doesn't really think fertility drugs alone are going to get me pregnant. He didn't say they wouldn't, but the chances alone are about an additional 10% chance from what I already have on my own. He suggested Clomid treatment and possible IUI (intra-uterine insemination). These would be in conjunction with one another.This is where Eric's sperm would be injected into my uterus. With IUI, there in an increase in the number of sperm at the site of fertilization because there is such a high concentration deposited at the top of the uterus. This will clearly be timed with my ovulation. So I will have to be monitoring that to determine insemination day.  It can begin to be quite costly (not anything like IVF, but is still an expense in which we will have to use savings money over the months...) Dr. B asked me what I thought and I decided I would first just try clomid alone for about 3 months or so. He said that was completely fine and we could take this however Eric and I decided. He drew about 7 tubes of blood to test additional things (thyroid panel, prenatal panel...) so we will see how all that comes back. We are still going to do the HSG test (the tube test I had referred to in another post). We will do that on my next cycle (around day 7-10) and then Dr. B said he would call me in the clomid Rx when I started my period. I have heard that many times after the HSG test alone, women have an increase chance in getting pregnant. Some people say it just "opens things up." This along with clomid treatment may do it for us- that would be fantastic! But, we also know God has a plan for our future family  and his time is best. We are still just working on the patience thing. It is still a daily struggle dealing emotionally with unexplained infertility, but I try to stay as strong as I can. I will keep you updated on our progress as time goes by...