So, I give up... I just can't keep up!
Things are so busy. I know they could be a whole lot busier with even more children, crazier work hours/schedules, but we have our own crazy right now and that's enough to keep me away from my blog. Ha!
However, I am to the point that I want to blog again...
Another life-changing event just occurred and it helps me to write about it.
I know I am no writer, but this will do for me...
Our sweet little Collins turned 1 back in July. We always knew we wanted another child and knowing what it took to get her here, we figured we'd begin trying to get pregnant as soon as I was done nursing, which was right at 1 year old. We began trying and trying and of course, what we knew to be so familiar... nothing was happening. We just assumed we would have to see the fertility doctor again and have assistance in getting pregnant again.
Come the first of the New Year (2015), we started up a new business with Advocare (contact me if you'd like to know more). We both did our first 24 day challenge and were feeling great! We cleansed our bodies and were eating lean and clean and doing the things we should. Just 2 days after we completed our challenge, I peed on a stick because I still hadn't started my period... which was VERY weird, and it was positive! X2! I immediately gave credit to cleansing my body. Ha! And mind you, this was Super Bowl Sunday and we were hosting a huge party at our house with all of our close friends. Keeping the secret was quite difficult but we did :)
The next day I called the doctor. I knew I wanted to get in quickly for blood draw and to begin progesterone (since I took it with Collins.) I had several different days that I went in for blood draw and then re-draw to be sure my levels were rising. I began the progesterone and felt good about everything. I made it past the 6 week mark, which is when we lost our first angel (before Collins.) I knew there was still a long few weeks ahead but I made it past that point, at least. My levels rose and then at one point, didn't rise as expected. I went back about a week later and it ended up rising significantly, so I was re-assured. My doctor wanted to see me for an ultrasound to see exactly how far along I was measuring. I ended up measuring about a week behind what I thought I was but that wasn't too unusual. However, the sac for the baby was measuring small. The baby had a strong heartbeat and she just wanted to follow-up again in a week. The next week, another ultrasound showed the baby had grown by 1.4 weeks with a good heartbeat, but still a smaller than normal sac for this time. She didn't seem overly concerned, but there wasn't anything else we could do but wait and see. So I was to come back in a month. I was re-assured by this news... we had a baby that was growing and had a strong heartbeat. I was "feeling" pregnant... I was tired all the time, I was hungry and eating all the time and my sense of smell had definitely heightened! Ha!
We were still keeping things quiet until I was to go back for another ultrasound... until some girls at work busted me out one day, around 9 weeks. Being a Labor and Delivery nurse, it's hard not to talk pregnancy, babies and such! So we figured, since some of the girls at work knew, we'd go ahead and begin telling our close friends and if others ended up finding out, that would be ok.
10 weeks 5 days came. I was working a short, 4 hour shift that morning. I was assigned to do c-sections. I knew something wasn't quite right... I began to have a light colored discharge. Of course, I freaked out! I text my doctor right away. She said not to be overly concerned unless it was blood. So, for the 4 hours I was at work, I can't tell you how many times I used the bathroom. I was closely monitoring the color and indeed, it began changing colors slowly. I felt as if I had begun cramping slightly during my shift too. I just "knew" this wasn't good. As I drove home from work, I called the doctor office and made an appointment for the next day for another ultrasound. I then got home to my husband and sweet little girl. I lost it. I knew what was happening... My husband tried reassuring me and I tried to keep my mind focused on my sweet C and the hope that maybe it wasn't quite what I thought it was. A couple of hours passed and I continued monitoring that color... it had been changing very slowly. C went down for her nap and I rocked and held her in my arms praying to God that everything would be ok. I went back to the bathroom after laying her in her bed and there is was...red. I was devastated. I once again- lost it. I called my husband immediately, not that he could do anything... but then talked with my doctor. She was off that day, but called and got me an appointment that afternoon to be seen. I was so thankful I not only work with her and know her outside of just a dr/patient relationship, but that I knew I could call her and she wouldn't mind. My sister ended up coming over to keep C and Eric came home early to drive me to the office. I knew what was happening, but the thoughts of hope were still flashing through my mind. I mean, after all, "I am a Labor and Delivery nurse, I do see these things all the time, right...?" But, I still knew what was happening deep down... They called me back soon after we checked in. We went back to the ultrasound room, where just 2-3 weeks earlier we had seen and heard our baby's heartbeat. I laid on the table and clenched Eric's hand with tears streaming down my face. I saw a baby, a bigger sac, but there was no heartbeat. I again, lost it. What I knew to be true was affirmed. I laid there helpless, hopeless, lifeless. The sweet doctor that squeezed me into her schedule that day came in a few moments later to talk to us. She told us that she figured everything would end up passing on its own since the baby had stopped growing and that in a week or so I should be doing better. And to follow up in a week with my doctor and another ultrasound. She was so compassionate and caring and I will always remember her for that. I then re-dressed and they escorted us out of the office through the back door, which was appreciated.
The ride home was silent... But I knew he cared. We got home and I got to love on my sweet C. No, that didn't fix things, but it sure helped at the time. My sister figured it out. And we began texting those who we had asked to pray just hours earlier. The responses I received were so heartfelt. Each one meant and still means so much.
The next few days passed and I seemed to be doing exceptionally well, I thought. A week and a day later, we went back to the doctor for another ultrasound to be sure everything was gone. It wasn't. I was still bleeding a lot, so I thought maybe it wouldn't be. When the ultrasound tech said "there's still products of conception"- I knew it... the term "incomplete abortion" was used aloud. I also knew what this meant... deep down though I was hoping I wasn't right. Then there we were, talking to the doctor about a D and C for Monday (this was Friday- as if this whole thing hadn't been drawn out long enough...I was now having to wait over the weekend, even longer.) I wasn't thrilled about this, but I knew it had to be done. I was scared. Yes, I've seen them done and knew what to expect, but this was
me. I had never had "surgery" before or been put to sleep, other than a tonsillectomy in second grade. I was having to go to a different hospital than where I work, which was hard too, being out of my "comfort zone." The weekend came and went and I did what I could to keep myself busy until Monday morning.
Monday came and I was very nervous... I was so glad to have my Eric by my side though. We got to the hospital at 8am. I was taken to the pre-op area and began getting my IV, blood drawn and talking with the staff who would be caring for me. They gave me some medicine to relax me a little before going back... which was nice! I remember being taken into the OR- I couldn't see much without me contacts or glasses. I remember they told me I would feel a little tinge in my IV where they would begin to put me to sleep- I felt the tinge and then fell asleep. It was nearly an hour and a half later that I remember waking up. Then they let Eric come back and of course he was cracking jokes to keep my spirits up :) I just love him! He said my doctor came out and talked to him and said everything went well. We were able to collect part of the specimen to send off for genetic testing. She wants to see me back in 2 weeks.
The staff at the "other hospital" were all wonderful and the experience, for what it was worth, couldn't have gone any better. Everyone was exceptionally nice and caring. Turned out, we "knew" 2 of the 3 nurses who took care of me through friends and church.
We left the hospital about 1pm and I finally got to eat! We came on home and ate our lunch and I went to sleep. My sweet hubby took awesome care of me and was very caring and understanding. He got my meds filled and came back with a bouquet of sweet flowers. My mom brought dinner over that night and several friends stopped by in the following days to check on me and drop off goodies and food :) I know it wasn't technically a "surgery" but I surely wasn't up to cooking anything physically or emotionally, so this gesture was definitely appreciated.
It has now been a week since my D and C and 2 1/2 since we lost our baby. I feel as if I am doing really well. I have definitely had my moments but have been reminded by God on numerous occasions that everything is going to be ok; that I am going to meet this sweet angel in heaven one day, along with his or her brother or sister. I hold tightly to that promise. And am grateful for that promise from my Lord. 1 Thes. 4:17 says: 'Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord.'
I guess that'll do it for this LONG post... but I wanted to update those who cared and were wondering. I'll keep you updated as we continue this journey of becoming a family of 4... one day.
