It's just plain hard.

It's just plain hard. That's all there is to say. This post is deep down, real.

Today I was in the car with one of my best friends, driving and talking. We got to talking about doctors appointments, which led to us talking about her baby growing inside her belly. The words "so, are you feeling the baby move around now?" came out of my mouth. I was curious and I do care. She grinningly nodded her head yes. Luckily I had sunglasses on to hide my instant tear-filled eyes. I felt an immediate lump in my throat and a brief moment of silence. We quickly changed the subject and I was glad. She knows how difficult this is for me because I've told her I knew it would be, and she was understanding of that.
We were due just 2 weeks apart. I lost my baby. My second lost baby. I try so hard to have a happy heart, but I am human. Those feelings that I tell myself aren't allowed in my head and heart still happen. Sometimes I feel as if I'm putting on a mask. That's not fair to my friend or her baby. It's so hard to understand. I just don't get it... It's just plain hard.


A link to an article I read tonight... 11 ways to support your infertile friends
Great read!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/heather-huhman/11-ways-to-support-your-infertile-friends-during-world-infertility-awareness-month-and-always_b_7479568.html?utm_hp_ref=tw

Life seems to be so crazy...

(I started writing this about a week ago, so forgive me as my days/weeks are a little off...)

Things can't seem to slow down...

And I'm so ready for them to. 

Between my own doctor visits/appointments lately and my dad being in the hospital, I'm over it! 

Yes, my daddy is back in the hospital. We are at the 2 week mark now. He has made some progression but not as much as we'd hoped for by this time. He's doing a little better each day but he's still a very sick man. It kills me to see him this way! It hurts my heart to see my mom hurt so much and strive daily to be the best wife, mother, sister, friend, worker she can be. She is one amazing woman and I praise her. We know God has our days planned before us (Psalms 139:16) and we know his plans are far better than ours (Jeremiah 29:11) but we still want to try and make things best for us. Sometimes our best is not His best and we learn that, eventually... Knowing that, we put our full faith and trust in God and are certain He holds us in His hand.

(Update to today... Dad is doing much better. He was in the hospital about 20 days. He just got transferred out to an inpatient rehab where he will begin full physical rehab. These will be trying days for him. So please continue to pray for him. We are very thankful he has made it this far. All praise goes to God! Pray that when he comes home he will take care of his body as he should and follow the doctors orders :) )

 We went back to the doctor a little over a week ago. She said the genetic testing from my D and C came back inconclusive. Which is a good thing, overall. I told her that I had begun bleeding some more but she told me to just watch it and call back if it got worse. Well, it did. Go figure. So I had to go back in the following week for another ultrasound. Talk about re-living a nightmare... Laying on the table, staring at the ceiling and looking at the screen where there was once a baby and now there no longer was... My insides were churning and my heart was racing as I was trying to hold the tears back. Why? I don't know. If I've learned anything in all I've been through the past 7 or so years of life, one thing is to be open and honest. And let your feelings known. Don't bottle them inside. Talk with others. Write them out. Read scripture and find truth and promises in God's Word. It definitely helps! Moving on though... The same day we met with the doctor to review test results and follow-up, we drew a whole panel of bloodwork to test for any clotting disorders I could have since there have been 2 losses. She asked if we were ready to begin trying to conceive again and if we wanted to go back to the fertility specialist. We both kind of looked at one another and knew we hadn't talked much about it since our loss; but figured we'd try on our own for a little while again, in hopes we could become pregnant again and stay pregnant! We don't think we will try forever on our own just because 1. we are ready for another child and 2. Eric says he's getting old :) So, we wait...

I know some people may look at me and think I am being selfish for pleading with God to have another child. After all, I have one, right?! Wrong! Secondary infertility can be just as hard on a woman and her husband as primary. Unfortunately, we've been through both now. Infertility is not only not being able to get pregnant, but keeping a pregnancy too. Both suck. Plain and simple. Do not get me wrong... I am so thankful and abundantly blessed that God gave us our sweet C. He could've chose not to. But again, I am so grateful that He allowed us the great privilege of becoming parents. I know and have seen first and second hand how many couples struggle with this terrible battle and we are so grateful that we don't have near as many "issues, diagnoses or problems," if you will, that so many do have. That still doesn't help my hurting heart though. I'm learning everyone has their own story... I'm learning to lean more on Him and I'm learning His ways are definitely ALWAYS better, even when I don't think so at the time.

If you could... just keep us in your prayers. We seem to have such heavy plates these days... I know the load will become lighter, at some point, but for now-- life seems to be so crazy.... 

Nearly a year later...

So, I give up... I just can't keep up!
Things are so busy. I know they could be a whole lot busier with even more children, crazier work hours/schedules, but we have our own crazy right now and that's enough to keep me away from my blog. Ha!
However, I am to the point that I want to blog again...
Another life-changing event just occurred and it helps me to write about it.
I know I am no writer, but this will do for me...

Our sweet little Collins turned 1 back in July.  We always knew we wanted another child and knowing what it took to get her here, we figured we'd begin trying to get pregnant as soon as I was done nursing, which was right at 1 year old. We began trying and trying and of course, what we knew to be so familiar... nothing was happening. We just assumed we would have to see the fertility doctor again and have assistance in getting pregnant again.
Come the first of the New Year (2015), we started up a new business with Advocare (contact me if you'd like to know more). We both did our first 24 day challenge and were feeling great! We cleansed our bodies and were eating lean and clean and doing the things we should. Just 2 days after we completed our challenge, I peed on a stick because I still hadn't started my period... which was VERY weird, and it was positive! X2! I immediately gave credit to cleansing my body. Ha! And mind you, this was Super Bowl Sunday and we were hosting a huge party at our house with all of our close friends. Keeping the secret was quite difficult but we did :)
The next day I called the doctor. I knew I wanted to get in quickly for blood draw and to begin progesterone (since I took it with Collins.) I had several different days that I went in for blood draw and then re-draw to be sure my levels were rising. I began the progesterone and felt good about everything. I made it past the 6 week mark, which is when we lost our first angel (before Collins.) I knew there was still a long few weeks ahead but I made it past that point, at least. My levels rose and then at one point, didn't rise as expected. I went back about a week later and it ended up rising significantly, so I was re-assured. My doctor wanted to see me for an ultrasound to see exactly how far along I was measuring. I ended up measuring about a week behind what I thought I was but that wasn't too unusual. However, the sac for the baby was measuring small. The baby had a strong heartbeat and she just wanted to follow-up again in a week. The next week, another ultrasound showed the baby had grown by 1.4 weeks with a good heartbeat, but still a smaller than normal sac for this time. She didn't seem overly concerned, but there wasn't anything else we could do but wait and see. So I was to come back  in a month. I was re-assured by this news... we had a baby that was growing and had a strong heartbeat. I was "feeling" pregnant... I was tired all the time, I was hungry and eating all the time and my sense of smell had definitely heightened! Ha!
We were still keeping things quiet until I was to go back for another ultrasound... until some girls at work busted me out one day, around 9 weeks. Being a Labor and Delivery nurse, it's hard not to talk pregnancy, babies and such! So we figured, since some of the girls at work knew, we'd go ahead and begin telling our close friends and if others ended up finding out, that would be ok.
10 weeks 5 days came. I was working a short, 4 hour shift that morning. I was assigned to do c-sections. I knew something wasn't quite right... I began to have a light colored discharge. Of course, I freaked out! I text my doctor right away. She said not to be overly concerned unless it was blood. So, for the 4 hours I was at work, I can't tell you how many times I used the bathroom. I was closely monitoring the color and indeed, it began changing colors slowly. I felt as if I had begun cramping slightly during my shift too. I just "knew" this wasn't good. As I drove home from work, I called the doctor office and made an appointment for the next day for another ultrasound. I then got home to my husband and sweet little girl. I lost it. I knew what was happening... My husband tried reassuring me and I tried to keep my mind focused on my sweet C and the hope that maybe it wasn't quite what I thought it was. A couple of hours passed and I continued monitoring that color... it had been changing very slowly. C went down for her nap and I rocked and held her in my arms praying to God that everything would be ok. I went back to the bathroom after laying her in her bed and there is was...red.   I was devastated. I once again- lost it. I called my husband immediately, not that he could do anything... but then talked with my doctor. She was off that day, but called and got me an appointment that afternoon to be seen. I was so thankful I not only work with her and know her outside of just a dr/patient relationship, but that I knew I could call her and she wouldn't mind. My sister ended up coming over to keep C and Eric came home early to drive me to the office. I knew what was happening, but the thoughts of hope were still flashing through my mind. I mean, after all, "I am a Labor and Delivery nurse, I do see these things all the time, right...?" But, I still knew what was happening deep down... They called me back soon after we checked in. We went back to the ultrasound room, where just 2-3 weeks earlier we had seen and heard our baby's heartbeat. I laid on the table and clenched Eric's hand with tears streaming down my face. I saw a baby, a bigger sac, but there was no heartbeat. I again, lost it. What I knew to be true was affirmed. I laid there helpless, hopeless, lifeless. The sweet doctor that squeezed me into her schedule that day came in a few moments later to talk to us. She told us that she figured everything would end up passing on its own since the baby had stopped growing and that in a week or so I should be doing better. And to follow up in a week with my doctor and another ultrasound. She was so compassionate and caring and I will always remember her for that. I then re-dressed and they escorted us out of the office through the back door, which was appreciated.
The ride home was silent... But I knew he cared. We got home and I got to love on my sweet C. No, that didn't fix things, but it sure helped at the time. My sister figured it out. And we began texting those who we had asked to pray just hours earlier. The responses I received were so heartfelt. Each one meant and still means so much.
The next few days passed and I seemed to be doing exceptionally well, I thought. A week and a day later, we went back to the doctor for another ultrasound to be sure everything was gone. It wasn't. I was still bleeding a lot, so I thought maybe it wouldn't be. When the ultrasound tech said "there's still products of conception"- I knew it... the term "incomplete abortion" was used aloud. I also knew what this meant... deep down though I was hoping I wasn't right. Then there we were, talking to the doctor about a D and C for Monday (this was Friday- as if this whole thing hadn't been drawn out long enough...I was now having to wait over the weekend, even longer.) I wasn't thrilled about this, but I knew it had to be done. I was scared. Yes, I've seen them done and knew what to expect, but this was me. I had never had "surgery" before or been put to sleep, other than a tonsillectomy in second grade. I was having to go to a different hospital than where I work, which was hard too, being out of my "comfort zone." The weekend came and went and I did what I could to keep myself busy until Monday morning.
Monday came and I was very nervous... I was so glad to have my Eric by my side though. We got to the hospital at 8am. I was taken to the pre-op area and began getting my IV, blood drawn and talking with the staff who would be caring for me. They gave me some medicine to relax me a little before going back... which was nice!  I remember being taken into the OR- I couldn't see much without me contacts or glasses. I remember they told me I would feel a little tinge in my IV where they would begin to put me to sleep- I felt the tinge and then fell asleep. It was nearly an hour and a half later that I remember waking up. Then they let Eric come back and of course he was cracking jokes to keep my spirits up :) I just love him! He said my doctor came out and talked to him and said everything went well. We were able to collect part of the specimen to send off for genetic testing. She wants to see me back in 2 weeks.
The staff at the "other hospital" were all wonderful and the experience, for what it was worth, couldn't have gone any better. Everyone was exceptionally nice and caring. Turned out, we "knew" 2 of the 3 nurses who took care of me through friends and church.
We left the hospital about 1pm and I finally got to eat! We came on home and ate our lunch and I went to sleep. My sweet hubby took awesome care of me and was very caring and understanding. He got my meds filled and came back with a bouquet of sweet flowers. My mom brought dinner over that night and several friends stopped by in the following days to check on me and drop off goodies and food :) I know it wasn't technically a "surgery" but I surely wasn't up to cooking anything physically or emotionally, so this gesture was definitely appreciated.
It has now been a week since my D and C and 2 1/2 since we lost our baby. I feel as if I am doing really well. I have definitely had my moments but have been reminded by God on numerous occasions that everything is going to be ok; that I am going to meet this sweet angel in heaven one day, along with his or her brother or sister. I hold tightly to that promise. And am grateful for that promise from my Lord. 1 Thes. 4:17 says: 'Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord.'

I guess that'll do it for this LONG post... but I wanted to update those who cared and were wondering.  I'll keep you updated as we continue this journey of becoming a family of 4... one day.

8 Months and on the move!

What an exciting month this has been! It just seems to get better and better as the days and months go by. Although I miss my sweet little bitty baby and being able to hold and snuggle her all the time, these days of learning and doing new things are so fun! I wouldn't trade them! Collins has really begun to develop a personality... she's pretty much going to let you know how it is! :) I thought last month had a lot of "firsts", I guess as the months go by, there will always be "firsts." Here's what we did this month... We started off the month at the doctor having a regular check up to be sure her ears were clear, and thankfully, they were! She also had to get the second round of the flu shot that day, which is always no fun! But, she handled it pretty well this time. She weighed 17 pounds and 12 ounces. She figured out the paper on the table at the doctor office this time too... boy, did she have fun with it; tearing it to pieces! Ha!

We celebrated our friend, Clarke's birthday this month. He turned 1! He had a farm birthday party... it was fun!

We had a "big snow day" for the city of Memphis! :)

She has tried many new foods this month, including: blueberries, blueberry muffins, pineapple, some of the pouch foods (which she is not a HUGE fan of), lima beans, blackened peas, white beans, turkey, cheese, mac-n-cheese, eggs, "cheetos" (which are an approved Gerber baby food... :) mashed potatoes, spaghetti (which she LOVED) and made a pretty big mess with!

Collins is beginning to really recognize Mommy and Daddy's face, especially on FaceTime, which we use a lot when I am at work. She pulled herself up to a standing position in her crib for the first time and we lowered the mattress the next day! She found her video monitor in her crib and is constantly pulling at it and knocking it down now. Ha! She "waved" bye-bye" as I was leaving for work one day... (well, we said she "waved"). Of course, it broke my heart and made me cry. :) And is now---CRAWLING! Which, had her move up to the next class at church- the "crawlers." It was quite bittersweet for Eric and I, more so him, actually. :)

She has not been sleeping so great through the nights lately... mostly because she is beginning to get more mobile and moving around more, which wakes her up, then she can't put herself back to sleep. We began giving her her "lovey" to sleep with and it really seems to help!

Bring on 8 months!!!

Here are some pics from 7-8 months...Enjoy!

               Happy 8 months from this spunky little girl who is on the move!!!

7 Months Old!

I'm a little late, but Collins turned 7 months old on the 25th. Crazy! And, boy is she changing and growing. This month has been so fun... lots of firsts. Collins was still trying some new foods, and her faces are crazy sometimes :)She loves some strawberries, cheerios and mum-mum's! We are working more on some "big girl foods" that she can luck up with her fingers rather than being fed with the spoon. We celebrated a Valentine's Day and a Super Bowl (Broncos vs Seahawks- Seahawks won!) We had a "real" snow (that actually covered the ground-- not much though, ha!) But, we got a super cute pic of our sweet girl in the snow! We had a few play dates, dinner dates and another birthday party with our sweet friend, Cooper. He is exactly 6 months older than Collins. My good friend, Kelly, had her little baby boy, Reece and we got to all go visit and meet him! Collins started sitting up in the grocery cart and high chair more this month. She is finally sitting up on her own... she finally figured that out right at the end of this month. She is making movements like she wants to crawl- she gets on her hands and knees and rocks back and forth, but then just kind of falls on her tummy :) We know it won't be long, so we are soaking up this time now! She also sat up in her big girl stroller as we got to stroll around some with a few nice days of weather. We are eagerly awaiting spring! For more reason than one... We had a battle this past month with a nasty ear infection :( First real sickness. We were thankful that she made it this far without getting sick so far. It took us 3 doctor visits to finally diagnose the infection. We started out with high fevers, snotty nose and a bad, yucky cough. The first 2 times we went, we were told upper respiratory infection and viral infection. Poor baby had to get a finger prick and a flu swab in her nose. Luckily, those were all good... hence, the viral part. Finally, on the third visit, we had full ears. Thankfully! Not happy to have had an infection, but glad to finally get some treatment. We started her quickly on an antibiotic, which she had a reaction to and we had to start her on something new, which worked! After a couple of weeks, I was cleared and finally doing better! We are excited about this next month... it's getting more fun as time goes by. But boy, is it going fast....! :(

Collins and Greer man playing together

Collins and Clarke at the cafe eating dinner 

Happy Birthday Coop! 

 

First time sitting up in the grocery cart

First Snow! 

Super Bowl

Happy Valentine's Day! 

Add caption

First time riding in the stroller like a big gitl :) 

Visiting Baby Reece 

Trying some peaches... not a huge fan! :) 

Figured out how to sit up! 

Bows are beginning to become kind of a lost cause... 

Silly girl! Happy 7 Months! 

Happy half birthday!!!

It's hard to believe that as each month passes I say the same thing... I can't believe another month has passed! This month, I'm saying- wow, my baby is half a year old already! It's crazy to think 6 months ago that my life would change the way it has! But I do know, I wouldn't trade any of it! Collins has been the best thing to happen to us! As each month passes, I fall more and more in love with my angel child everyday. 

We have celebrated her first New Years this month. Of course her nor mommy made it to midnight (mommy had to work though). She had her first birthday party this month with her sweet friend, Maggie Scott. We celebrated with pancakes and PJ's ;) We also celebrated Eric's new position at the PD. He got promoted to detective this month and we got to be a part of his promotion ceremony. Our church had a special day of baby dedication that Collins was a part of. We had some close friends dedicate their baby the same day. It was a special time for us all. 

She's learning and doing so much these days. She's so alert at what is going on. She is trying her darnedest to get to crawling! She actually inches backward some but nothing in the forward motion except some reaching... She tries getting her knees up under her so hard! She just hasn't quite figured the whole thing out; but that's ok with this mama ;) I don't want to rush things too fast. It's already going by so quickly! She now has 2 little teeth on her bottom half of her mouth. Boy, those were a booger coming in! That happened so quick too! We weren't really expecting it so soon! We started solid foods this month! Yay, big girl! I am making her food, as best and as much as I can right now. So far she's had green peas, green beans, carrots, bananas and apples. It took a while to get her to like some of these but sometimes mixing helps! It's always fun watching her face as she tries something new. She sat up in a restaurant highchair for the first time and ate some mum-mums, which she loves! She is sleeping better these days (at night), which is a plus for mommy and daddy. ;) 

We went for her 6 month check-up on the 28th. She is doing great! Dr. N. was impressed. He weighed 17 pounds (50-60%) and was 26 inches long (50-60%). She got another round of shots, which is never fun! Including the flu shot this time. She ran some high fevers with this set which was hard on us all (99-103!) After about 2 days, she was back to her normal, happy self! At the doctor office, Collins really enjoyed flirting with Dr. N and the fact that she found herself in the mirror. It was quite entertaining! 

Here's some pics from 5-6 months! 

My New Years date! 

Her first try at some solid foods! ;) 

Eric's promotion ceremony 

Collins baby dedication 

Sitting up in the resturaunt highchair eating a mum-mum ;) 

6 month dr appt 

She doesn't look anything like her daddy, does she?! ;) 

Happy HALF birthday sweet Collins! 

6 month photo shoot with mommy! 

Santa Baby

5 months old on Christmas Day! Our little girl brings so much joy to our lives! She is constantly changing and growing that little personality of hers. We absolutely love it and are having the time of our life watching her grow! 

We have celebrated her first Thanksgiving and Christmas. What sweet memories we have. And new traditions to begin as a family of 3! Collins got some good goodies for Christmas from Santa, Mommy and Daddy, her grands and KK. She got an anywhere chair from pottery barn that she will be able to use for years to come, a red wagon, some fun toys, clothes to grow into and a few other goodies. 

This past month she has found her feet and not letting them go. She takes off her socks as quick as we put them on. And if she can grab a hold of a pant leg, you best believe it's going in her mouth! We introduced rice cereal this month (at 19 weeks old). We wanted to try and wait til 5 months but missy began waking up some in the middle of the night so we thought we would give it a go. Boy, that was so funny! She did rice for a couple weeks and then on Christmas Day we progressed to some oatmeal. She seems to be doing ok with it. So I guess next step is veggies! Ahhh! ;) It's fun though! This month we went from size 1 to size 2 diapers. (Which we should've done probably sooner than we did.) ha! 

Collins began really sitting in the bumbo seat and bouncing in her bouncy seat too. She really likes bouncing while Mommy is working in the kitchen. She also has started grabbing ahold of her bottle with both hands. Not quite to holding it alone just yet, but I'm sure that will be next. Collins still LOVES bath time and is starting to splash around some while being in the tub ;) She isn't sleeping through the nights as well as she was-- not really sure why... Growth spurt, more movement, hungry... We don't know why. Still trying to work with her. 

We also had our first "ice storm" of the year/season. The weathermen really hyped it up! But just to be safe we were prepared! ;) 

We are excited about the new coming year... It's going to be fun with little priss by our side! Can't believe she will be half a year old next month!