Just a year ago

Wow- its hard to believe that at this time last year, I was announcing to my husband we were going to be a mommy and daddy! I surprised him so good! Just like I had always imagined. I remember it all so vividly. We were so excited and couldn't even sleep! We just kept talking about how things would be and how we would tell our families. Our excitement didn't last long- our little baby was taken so soon afterwards.
I know some people may say, "well she wasn't even that far along..."- well I've got news for them. That was our baby, it was a baby even for just a short time. I felt a connection immediately to my sweet baby only for that connection to be lost so quickly. Eric did what he could to calm me and support and encourage me through the days and weeks that came. People don't understand the slightest bit until they've lived it personally.
I have such a deep desire to be a Mommy to a sweet, innocent child. I truly feel like it is part of my calling in life as a woman. I know God has called me to have a child (somehow) ;)
I know God has a plan for me- whether it's my own biological child or not- I know one day I will get the honor and privilege of holding my sweet baby and I know it will be so much more meaningful. I know I will appreciate the wait, as difficult as it is now. I will be ever so grateful and I know that unborn child will be more of a blessing then than we can imagine now.
I'm still very saddened thinking of what could have been and the baby we should have in our home now. However, I'm joyful in the fact that God is still writing my story and I know the end is going to be amazing!

The charm in the center of my bracelet I bought yesterday mostly for the remembrance of my baby. But also for National Pregnancy Loss and Infant Awareness Day that was yesterday. I thought what more of a perfect time than now!

I will never forget...

Moving right along...

Well, today was an anticipated day that has now come and gone quickly. Yet another day I have been waiting for... I went in for my HSG test today. I was scheduled for 1:00. I had to work this morning,  but got someone to work the second half of my shift, thankfully. I went over to the radiology department in the hospital where I work and got all checked in... that was a little strange being on the other side- signing consents and admission papers, seeing my name on patient labeled stickers. Ha!
I went in the room and the radiology tech was super nice! She explained everything to me and told me what I could expect. I got dressed and they started the procedure. It was very quick, but it wasn't very comfortable. It made me feel very "crampy" like. Once it was over the radiologist went over the images with me and told me everything appeared normal and my fallopian tubes seemed open. He told me they would send a copy of the results to my doctor (Dr. M) but I also was told to ask for a hard copy of a disc to give to my fertility doc (Dr. B). I was out the door very soon after. I have had some pretty bad cramps throughout the day, but otherwise have felt fine. I am so relieved  that everything looked normal and there appeared to be no blockages of any kind.
Now... just high hopes that with this and clomid treatment, something may happen this month! :)

Round 1

Well today begins round 1 of clomid treatment. I started taking the medication today and will continue through Thursday (which are days 3-7 of the cycle). Then I will test the LH in my urine beginning on day 10. (this is ovulation testing). Once I get a positive LH surge I will go into Dr. B's office for an ultrasound. This will help monitor the developing follicle in the ovary leading up to ovulation. We will then just have to wait and see next cycle what happens... With fingers crossed! ;)
My HSG is scheduled for this Friday afternoon. I am pretty excited, but nervous too, of course. Hopefully everything will turn out fine and be "opened up."
I will keep you updated with our progress.

Fertility Appointment

Well... today was the day I have been waiting for for quite some time! It finally got here! I went this morning at 10am for my first fertility doctor's appointment. Unfortunately, I had to go alone. Eric was unable to come because of work. (We have had a lot going on in our lives the last few weeks and he has had to miss work for a couple of days and so he wasn't able to miss today, which was fine). Today's appointment was more of a consultation, but we did get the ball rolling- FINALLY! I LOVED the new doctor in the group (we will call him Dr. B) He was very personal and seemed to care a lot. First things first- he explained the whole female reproductive system and how an egg is fertilized with a sperm. He assumed I knew all this, being a L&D nurse, but a "re-fresher" is always good. :) He went over with me why I may have mis-carried last pregnancy, but still we will never know. Since I am still so "normal" at this point, and I am an ovulating woman, he doesn't really think fertility drugs alone are going to get me pregnant. He didn't say they wouldn't, but the chances alone are about an additional 10% chance from what I already have on my own. He suggested Clomid treatment and possible IUI (intra-uterine insemination). These would be in conjunction with one another.This is where Eric's sperm would be injected into my uterus. With IUI, there in an increase in the number of sperm at the site of fertilization because there is such a high concentration deposited at the top of the uterus. This will clearly be timed with my ovulation. So I will have to be monitoring that to determine insemination day.  It can begin to be quite costly (not anything like IVF, but is still an expense in which we will have to use savings money over the months...) Dr. B asked me what I thought and I decided I would first just try clomid alone for about 3 months or so. He said that was completely fine and we could take this however Eric and I decided. He drew about 7 tubes of blood to test additional things (thyroid panel, prenatal panel...) so we will see how all that comes back. We are still going to do the HSG test (the tube test I had referred to in another post). We will do that on my next cycle (around day 7-10) and then Dr. B said he would call me in the clomid Rx when I started my period. I have heard that many times after the HSG test alone, women have an increase chance in getting pregnant. Some people say it just "opens things up." This along with clomid treatment may do it for us- that would be fantastic! But, we also know God has a plan for our future family  and his time is best. We are still just working on the patience thing. It is still a daily struggle dealing emotionally with unexplained infertility, but I try to stay as strong as I can. I will keep you updated on our progress as time goes by...

Yesterday was Day 3

Well, yesterday was day 3 of my new cycle (and my birthday! :) Happy Birthday to me, right? Ha! I went on into the office yesterday morning and had my blood drawn again for my FSH level. We got report that Eric's sperm analysis came back and all was normal. We also got results from my day 21 level (the progesterone), and it showed that I had ovulated, which I completely suspected. So... now we wait for this FSH level to come back and then wait for our fertility doctor appointment in a few weeks or move forward with anything else Dr. M may want to order or perscribe... it's a waiting game and it's no fun! BUT- I know that God has a plan for my life and for Eric and my future. I have read a book called 'Baby Hunger: Biblical encouragement for those struggling with infertility' and it has been SUCH an encouragement and inspiration. There are so many stories throughout the Bible (some you may have heard and others maybe not) about women who so desperately wanted a child, they would do anything... and they did. I can't imagine that, but I know sometimes God's answer to our plea is WAIT. As I wait, I struggle daily, moment by moment, with patience, questioning why and having faith that God will and does provide on HIS time table. So... here we wait....

Day 21

Well, today was day 21 of my cycle. I made it to the doctor's office to have my blood drawn. This is for the progesterone level. I wasn't able to go in for the day 3 level because we were at the beach, but I figured I'd go ahead and get this one done and see what it says. I should get some results either late this afternoon or tomorrow. I also had the office fax my records to the fertility doctor's office. Speaking of... Eric is going there Friday for his test. We are going together and hopefully everything is ok with him and we will know those results soon after, I am hoping. I made my appointment with the fertility doctor (Dr. B)- and it's scheduled for a month from today- October 4! I can't wait! I am so ready to get things going and tests/procedures started! I finally feel like things are beginning to look up, maybe...

Destin 2012

We packed up and were beach bound the middle of August! Not only were we packed up, but we were crammed packed! We took my jeep down to Florida- not just us, but my sister and her boyfriend too- my jeep grand cherokee! Wowzers!! That was some packing! And thank heavens for my friend, Lauren's parents... they let us borrow one of those carriers for the top of the car. Otherwise, there would have been no way we could've made it! Our friends Chris and Kelly came with us too- they drove their own car though! :) We left early, early and arrived around 1pm. The fresh smell of salt, sand and seafood was just what I needed for a week away! Here are some of our pics! Enjoy!

These a just a tiny HANDFUL of all this pics I took, but I don't have the time to upload all. We had a wonderful trip, despite a few mishaps with the condo- where we will NEVER stay again, but all in all, it was great! And we miss the beach already and can't wait for next trip! :)